De omnibus dubitandum
1 Jul 2009
There have been a lot of negative reviews of Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen. And when I say negative, I mean negative:
“Transformers 2 has a shot at the title Worst Movie of the Decade”, “a horrible experience of unbearable length”, “a pile of glittering junk”, “infantile”, “despicable”, and “tumescence”. (Yes I had to look that one up too.)
Transformers 2 even inspired this satirical review on io9 that, while brilliant in its execution, boils down to a verdict of cinematic excrement.
But I liked Transformers 2. Actually, that doesn’t describe my enjoyment of the film accurately. I fucking loved it.
Now according to the prevalent opinions of movie critics around the world that can only mean one thing: I’m an adolescent, intellectually-challenged and hopelessly insecure male geek. Well, two out of five isn’t bad, I suppose. (Hint: it’s not anything before the word male.)
I loved Transformers 2 because it delivers everything it should. It’s got supermassive robots rampaging through industrial cityscapes, sufficient explosions to vaporise the moon, abundant views of Megan Fox’s abundant curvature, a ginormous Transformer composed of multiple smaller robots tearing through an ancient Islamic state’s most holy archaeological sites, and Optimus Prime punching through another transformer’s chest.
Let me repeat that. It shows Optimus Prime punching his fist through the chest of a Decepticon. If that was the only thing the movie showed, over and over, for its whole two and a half hour length, it would still rock.
Yes, the plot is vague, incomplete and rather superfluous, but how many art-house films provoking rave reviews have simple, inane plots you can describe with a single sentence? (“Man has memories of failed relationship erased” anyone?)
Yet the crippled plot seems to be the central issue reviewers have with the film. The plot sucks, the plot is vague, the plot serves as nothing more but a flimsy curtain rail to hang countless over-the-top action sequences from, yadda yadda blah fucking blah.
Yes, we get it. The plot sucks! Guess what? I DON’T FUCKING CARE. Transformers 2 isn’t about the plot, you Merlot-sipping, Camembert-nibbling, pseudo-intellectual elitist movie-critic twit. It’s about robots beating the shit out of other robots and blowing up half the world while they’re at it.
And you know what? Transformers 2 does that VERY WELL. I can’t wait for number 3.